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Thread: Air travel, don't you just love it?!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Camberley, Surrey, UK

    Air travel, don't you just love it?!

    For those of you who travel by air and I don't mean angel wings:
    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
    in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
    entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
    or reported:

    1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just
    sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
    time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People,
    people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
    get in it!"

    2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
    attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
    reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
    lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
    of your flight attendants."

    3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
    of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
    make sure it's something we'd like to have.

    4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
    only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
    enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
    for a ride."

    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
    Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
    fella. WHOA!"

    7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
    Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
    "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
    because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has

    8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
    Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt,
    insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
    just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
    operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

    9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
    pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
    with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
    are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

    10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
    clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
    Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
    than Southwest Airlines."

    11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
    event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
    take them with our compliments."

    12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
    among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or

    13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
    Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
    in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this

    14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
    in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
    and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
    thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
    it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
    fault, it was the asphalt."

    15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
    Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
    approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
    extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
    Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
    with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
    left of our airplane to the gate!"

    16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
    landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
    Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
    had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
    had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
    door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
    "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his
    bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
    eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
    everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
    with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
    question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
    little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant
    came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
    seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
    to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
    has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
    door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

    19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
    like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
    time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
    in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US

    20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,
    if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is
    on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
    reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
    announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is
    your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
    from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
    therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
    sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after
    a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
    While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
    spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
    of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You
    should see the back of mine!"

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Woodside Park N12, UK
    Those are good Wilkie. Glad I didn't experience any of them during my travels over in the US recently. I certainly flew on enough planes that I can probably work as a flight attendant now!

    My favourite was:

    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
    pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
    with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
    are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

    How evil but funny

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Kankakee, Illinois

    Thumbs up !!!

    oh, and I thought I was twisted!!!!!!!!

    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2004
    San Francisco
    I heard one something like these on Southwest Airlines once. The flight attendant said, "If you want to smoke, please feel free to make your way out onto one of our comfortable wings. The rest of us will stay in here and watch "Up in Smoke" and "Gone in 60 Seconds" while you're enjoying your cigarette."
    Co-Founder, B.A.A.S.
    Born Again Atheists Society

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Back in New Zealand
    While travelling with Southwest earlier this year i heard a variation on the oxygen mask went more like "if you are travelling with a child or mentally impared passenger, please fit your own mask, then fit your husbands...."

    During another flight we struck some bad turbulance and a few people were "freaking out" a little, the attendant came on and let loose with another comedy routine and proceeded to put everyone at ease.

    Likewise on another flight the entire safety brief was done in Terminator, George Bush and Bill Clinton voices...very well done.

    Some people I told this too thought this was making a mockery of the FAA saftey rules, but usually when the safety brief is done in a proper offical one bothers to listen and they just keep talking. In this case however the passengers were silent listening to every word....Well done Southwest

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