A little satire for y'all... enjoy.


On the tail end of the recent announcement that the Rolling Stones will be touring yet AGAIN, the PATENTED ROLLING STONES SONG TITLE GENERATOR (TM) has correlated all available data in an effort to randomly predict the song titles on the upcoming STUDIO CD. The computer is designed to be 87 percent accurate in its calculations. With that in mind, here are the
predicted Rolling Stones song titles so far...

Track One: "Brawl Until Dawn"
For the leadoff track on the new CD, our Rolling Stones super-computer randomly combines a series of phrases with subtle and not-so-subtle references to violence, some intertwined with sexuality. The result is this hot new single, "Brawl Until Dawn," that also helps perpetuate the "street fighting" image of
The Stones, even if Mick hasn't been in a real fight since 1971. That is, not unless you count those times Jerry Hall beat his *** before leaving. Note: This will also be the album's "feisty rocker."

Track Two: "Hit That!"
To generate the second single, "Hit That," the computer uses the same logarithm as "Brawl," but also includes an obligatory attempt at aping recent urban trends/lingo. The song will contain a funky bass line, and possibly a "hip hop" section, which will seem as awkward and forced as Paula Abdul trying not to
slur her words on "American Idol."

Track Three: "Stairwell of Good-byes"
The computer spits out at least one "moody" ballad, based on words Mick scribbled down on a slip of paper with Brazilian models' phone numbers written on the back.

Track Four: "Roll It When U Rock"
This is the token "bluesy" Keith Richards tune, that the computer predicts will still be virtually indistinguishable from the last 10 "Take It So Hard" clones. The title doesn't mean much, but still seems amazingly coherent when compared to Keith's usual ramblings.

Track Five: "Vegas Virgins"
Despite the weak alliteration, our computer is predicting a Stones trifecta: money, sex, and a "hot," topical tourist attraction. This will be one of those Stones numbers that seems to highlight Mick's social conscience, by focusing on runaways and prostitution in sin city. However, the computer wisely deletes any
mention of how the Stones have blithely fostered a climate of misogyny and sexism in American pop culture for 5 decades straight. The hypocrisy bar will be raised yet again when the song blares prominently in a "what happens in Vegas" ad that features Mick driving to a chicken ranch.

Track Six: "Devil's in the Details"
The computer foresees a mandatory "satanic" Stones song, trotted out once again in an effort to milk whatever stimulus/response-type reaction remains in the three people whose sense of propriety was seriously imperiled by the unholy
sight of the band wearing wizard costumes back in the 60's. Listen for the slinky rhythm track on this one, which is supposed to represent... er, something.

Track Seven: "Slutty Little Thang"
In the Stones catalog, "sluts" is one of the few heretofore infrequently used derogatory terms for women. Well, the computer definitely feels the need to remedy that situation pronto! Look for this toe-tapper on the new CD, but don't
expect too much controversy, since worse language regularly appears at 7pm on ABC Family Channel these days.

Track Eight: "She Knocks Me Out"
This one's bound to sound bluesy. And violent. And sexy. Whatever. It's gonna be a filler track anyway, probably using yet another watered-down version of the "Brown Sugar" riff, so don't sweat it. Lord knows they won't!

Track Nine: "Dancin' Down on South Street"
While running a systems scan, the computer spews out the requisite "dance" reference that appears on every other Stones album. As a double bonus, the title generator alludes to a "gritty" well-known city (in this case, Philadelphia) that also has a long-standing connection to the music industry. This will help reestablish the band's street "cred" for the 459th time. Of course, there will be no lyrics which address getting shot because you're
dancing like a damn fool in the middle of a city street at four in the morning.

Track Ten: "Into the Fading Twilight"
Our computer anticipates there will be one, last, "heartfelt" opus on the new Rolling Stones album. This is somehow intended to deflect attention from the fact that Mick and Keith's emotional growth has been stunted since 1963 or so. Despite that, the computer effectively draws upon the rich reservoir of
philosophical insights that can only be gleaned from a lifetime of
self-indulgent behavior and reckless substance abuse. The result is a beautiful tapestry of musical self-reflection which weaves together sentimental and novel rhymes like "real/feel", "fears/tears", "long/strong" and "*****/scratch this itch". Guaranteed to be a real tear-jerker and a future "classic," the Stones will be signing a 5 million dollar endorsement deal with "BIC," in an effort to cash in on all the lighters which are sure to go off during this song's live
performance. For added measure, the lighters will have the Stones' "lips and tongue" logo emblazoned on them. However, in an effort to remain hip and edgy in the year 2005, a machine gun will protrude from the Rolling Stones' "lips" and point directly at a nun's groin.
Hope you folks enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

From the desk of Glenn "Cousin O"