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Thread: If You're Feeling Down...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
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    If You're Feeling Down...

    Just remember a silly joke.


    What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat?
    Pippi?

    A hoooootenanny.

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 ate 9.

    A guy at work told me today about an archelological dig trying to find advanced technloogy in an ancient civilization. They found nothing and concluded they must have had a wireless network! (he thought it was funny, anyway)

    Got any? Please share.
    Last edited by dejapete; 08-26-2005 at 12:51 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Kankakee, Illinois
    Posts
    3,352
    Why should you be afraid of a cook?

    Because he beats the eggs, whips the cream, and mashes the potatoes!


    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)



    http://www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx?bookid=37784

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    West Coast USA
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    2,342
    What do you do with an elephant with three balls????



    Walk him, pitch to the giraffe.


    ~Bathe In A Turning Tide~



  4. #4
    Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

    Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?
    Great food but no Atmosphere.

    What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
    I donít know and I donít care one way or the other.

    1002

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Western, PA
    Posts
    4,269
    --So I'm having lunch with Charles Manson as we enter the restaurant he says...."Is it cold in here or am I crazy?"

    --Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
    The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
    "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

    --What's the best time to see a dentist?
    Tooth Hurty [2:30]
    "I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition was to eat, drink, and be Mary." ~ George Carlin.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    1,593
    A penguin came down to Arizona for vacation. He rented a car and was driving across the desert, when his car started having trouble. Luckily, he was near a small town, and was just able to make it to the local garage. The mechanic told him it would be a couple of hours while he looked over the car--so the penguin decided to walk around and see the town.
    Whew! The Arizona sun can be hot, especially for someone from a colder climate! Luckily, the penguin spotted an ice cream parlor and waddled in. OOO! They had vanilla, his favorite! So he ordered a dish, sat down and proceeded to eat it. Well, being a penguin, having no hands and all, he made quite a mess of himself. Ice cream all over his little face...but it was really good ice cream!
    He noticed that some time had passed and he should go check up on the mechanic's progress. The mechanic was still under the hood when the penguin returned. The penguin waddled up to the mechanic, and tapped him on the leg.
    The mechanic turns and says "Well, little buddy, it looks like you've gone and blown a seal."
    The penguin says "Oh no! Really, it's ice cream, I swear!"

    Kim

  7. #7
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    Jul 2004
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    Grass Valley, CA
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    3 flies in the kitchen
    which one is the cowboy?????????




    The one on the range!!!!!!

  8. #8
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    Camberley, Surrey, UK
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    I'll try my best...

    Two cats start to swim across the English Channel; one English cat called 'one two three', one French cat called 'un deux trois'. Which one made it across?

    The English cat. Why?

    Because the un deux trois quatre cinq

  9. #9
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    Kankakee, Illinois
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    Originally posted by Wilkie UK
    I'll try my best...

    Two cats start to swim across the English Channel; one English cat called 'one two three', one French cat called 'un deux trois'. Which one made it across?

    The English cat. Why?

    Because the un deux trois quatre cinq
    OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    now, that is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)



    http://www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx?bookid=37784

  10. #10
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    Jan 2003
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    Camberley, Surrey, UK
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    I thank you, I thank you, I thank you

  11. #11
    Join Date
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    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."


    The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."


    The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."


    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."


    "And what is that?" asked the priest.


    "Should I tell her the war is over?"

  12. #12
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    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
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    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

    "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  13. #13
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    George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

    "Harriet, she's a prostitute."

    "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

    "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

    In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

    "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  14. #14
    Join Date
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    This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  15. #15
    Join Date
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    A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

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