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Thread: If You're Feeling Down...

  1. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
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    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

    "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

    Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  2. #17
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    Jan 2003
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    Camberley, Surrey, UK
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    1,018
    Zakath, you have made my day!

  3. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Grass Valley, CA
    Posts
    2,626
    ZAkath .. That was Great ... I am still laughing ... And By the way ... do you have that Counselors name, address and phone # ?????????????



  4. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Kankakee, Illinois
    Posts
    3,352
    mmmmmmaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (cracking up inwardly to avoid snot flying out my nose!)
    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)



    http://www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx?bookid=37784

  5. #20
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

    The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

    The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
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    Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

    So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

    So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

    "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

    "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  7. #22
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar ?" The man said, "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years." So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said, "Would you like a drink ?" The man said, "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years." So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would you like to play around ?" The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  8. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  9. #24
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  10. #25
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
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    There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

    One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

    That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

    His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

    Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
    599
    Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

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