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Thread: If You're Feeling Down...

  1. #31
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    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  2. #32
    Join Date
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    Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

    Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

    "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

    "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

    "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

    "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

    "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

    "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

    "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  3. #33
    Join Date
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    A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

    After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

    So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  4. #34
    Join Date
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    Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

    "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

    "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

    "For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  5. #35
    Join Date
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    Posts
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    A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  6. #36
    Join Date
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    Posts
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    This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

    Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

    Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  7. #37
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    Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
    time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

    At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

    He opened the note, and read, "*******, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    In the water barrel just off of 80/94 (the former disaster, now vastly improved Borman Expressway) and now blissfully wed
    Posts
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    A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

    The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
    If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. - GH 1943-2001

    A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson's first Inaugural Address, 1801

  9. #39
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    Good one....HA!!! LOL!!!!

  10. #40
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    Apr 2005
    Location
    Wickepin,Western Australia
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    139

    From Oz

    Man, lying on a stretcher, in a hospital, just come out from a procedure, oxygen mask on his face, wakes up and calls to a nearby nurse " nurse, are my testicles black?"

    The nurse pulls down this guys pants, has a good look, a probe and prod, and replies "No"...then leaves....this guy thinks "how strange"

    A few minutes go by, the guy sees another nurse and calls out "Hey nurse are my testicles black?" The second nurse comes over, and exactly the same thing happens, pulls down his pants and checks out his scrotum.

    "No" she says, and walks off.....the guy thinks "this is weird" and starts to get impatient.

    A few minutes go by, the guy sees a doctor coming......rips off the oxygen mask..... and shouts "Hey doc...."Are my test results back???"

  11. #41
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    MIKE... Ha... LOL... Very Funny...

  12. #42
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    Jun 2003
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    Kankakee, Illinois
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    Originally posted by Zakath
    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
    now, that is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)



    http://www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx?bookid=37784

  13. #43
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    Jun 2003
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    Kankakee, Illinois
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    these are absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! the kids are looking at me funny and wondering why I'm cracking up!
    "Even the devil may cry when he looks around Hell and realizes that he is all alone"

    Acheron Parthenopaeus

    (Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry)



    http://www.wordclay.com/BookStore/BookStoreBookDetails.aspx?bookid=37784

  14. #44
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    Apr 2005
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    Wickepin,Western Australia
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    Lots of Kiwi's over here

    How are Kiwi's and sperm alike?

    Millions come out and only one works....

  15. #45
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    Aug 2005
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    Lakewood, Colorado
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    Smile THANK YOU!!!!!

    I want to personaly thank the person who started this thread, I need this more than ever right now. I'm going on dialysis and have had many health problems up to this. I am ritually listening to ALL my FIXX cd's- esp. OUTSIDE, it's keeping me calm and grounded. If you don't see me on here as much, this is why. I will try to check in with all my fellow FIXXTURES as often as possible, love you ALL.
    mich112670

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